Introverted!

He was a guy from my college days. Before meeting him, I was also a very shy introvert person. I would keep quite most of the time and prefer not to have conversations. Most of the time the reason why I wouldn’t talk was because I thought I shouldn’t trouble other people with my own stupid nonsensical talks. It felt like a total waste of time for me.

Then I saw him in the classroom. A very shy kid. Always had a sweet smile on his face but I heard him spoke almost never. He was very silent. He had friends, although I wasn’t one of them, but he had his own friends and from what I saw, he never opened up with them either. He was a total mystery for me. In break time when we would be waiting for teacher to come, or when all the students would turn the classroom into a fish market, I would take a second to watch him and wonder what he might would have been thinking. The more I looked at him, the more mysterious he would become to me. But he had a kind face. So I thought, maybe he is just shy to initiate a conversation.

I am not an initiator, I normally wait for others to start first. Then I might join them later on, but I prefer not to initiate. But I don’t know why I wanted to help this guy by initiating a conversation with him. I thought maybe he is like me, waiting for someone to initiate a talk!

I went to him and asked “hey buddy, why are you always so silent?? I hardly saw you speak once!” He saw me with that kind face and sweet smile. But I thought he got a little frustrated with my question. Then he prompted, “why are you asking this? Don’t you have some other work to do?”

That definately hurt my ego. Although I don’t have much of it, but I do have some. I was furious and I went away with a sad embarrassed smile on my face while others laughed at his reply.

Never dared talked to him again. Never!

This incident died within me and I never watched him again, atleast not searched for him again like I used to.

Weeks flew by…..

It was another day at college and we were all busy in our works. All the classes were going on and I was doing some of my assignment work when I saw my other friend running towards me. He came fast to me and asked for my scooty’s keys. He seemed very worried and I couldn’t ask him anything when I saw his scared face. I just gave him the keys and he ran away. While I was in trance, I somehow managed to ignore what happened for a few seconds and I continued with my work. Later that day, when our college got over, I was walking towards the main gate when I saw this huge crowd. Everyone in shock, I could tell by their faces! That guy who borrowed my keys came towards me and told me while handling the keys to me, “He is no more!”

I couldn’t understand at first, who is he talking about?? That guy who never spoke in the class, he died yesterday.

I couldn’t believe my ears. I saw him yesterday in the very class. Now they say he isn’t here anymore. He had some rare chronic illness. He succumbed to his illness. No one in the class knew about this untill this very moment. Not even his closest friends.

That day I learnt, being introvert isn’t bad, but being quiet is!! We should all have atleast one person outside our family who knows about us. Who we can speak to. Who we can share our deepest desires very easily. Who won’t judge us for who we are. Afterall it’s sad and it’s just not done to die like this. To die without even one friend who would be by your side. Who could say what kind of person you were. I used to be like him, but I decided that day, I won’t be like him. I will take my time to open up, I will choose who I want to open up with, but I will open up. I will not keep quite all the times! There should also be times when I will speak and others will listen.

The reason why I decided this was, I got badly scared of that guy. The way he used to keep quite, I felt like I saw him and I couldn’t do anything for him. I knew nothing about him. I know even if I did know anything, I wouldn’t be able to cure his illness but atleast we would all have tried to ease his pain. Maybe we could all give him happy memories. Just being together eases many things for a person but being alone is almost going through hell every day and that too when you are already fighting an illness! But now there is this this empty feeling that I couldn’t let go. I feel like we could all have done something if we knew anything at all.

Although sometimes I do think that he might not have told us because he didn’t want us to look at him with sympathy. He might have chose to go away like this without much attachments. I would never have answers to these questions.

I never got to talk to that guy, but he is still fresh in my memories because I am scared of him. I am sacred of me being like him!! I am scared that being quite like him isn’t good for the people who think I am close to them because they will feel betrayed and helpless after me. They will think that they did nothing for me. They will have this empty feeling inside them like I am having now.

It’s been years now, and I have managed to change myself a lot. I can easily initiate a conversation now, although I choose not too sometimes. I am an open book, read my blogs and you would know. I won’t speak but when I do, people would have to shut my mouth. I still am that shy kid inside who would keep her world to herself, but I let people inside, only those whom I choose to. And I have choosen some! There are times that I can’t speak, then I write. It helps me a lot and it is the best way to convey my feelings.

I am not saying being introvert is bad, I myself is an Ambivert person, mostly on an introvert side. All I am saying is, don’t keep quite all the times. Don’t keep yourself within the cages of your own mind. Come out of it, or atleast let someone in. Someone who has a different perspective than you, someone with whom you can be anything. Someone who will be willing to be with you. Afterall we all are humans at the end of the day and the only way that we can connect with each other is through words or communication. And I would be more than happy to listen and speak with the person that I can feel most comfortable with and who can share the same contentment with me.

Not to forget, you can only get comfortable with time and that too when you are willing to speak your mind and to share your world.

May his soul rest in peace.